Joking with Eddy
Pocketful of Pal
May 26, 2007
I have 3 dogs & was buying a large bag of dog food at Big W.
While standing in line at the check out, the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 Kilos before I awakened in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially the perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that, as the food is nutritionally complete, I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no....it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Silly woman...why else would I buy dog food?
Three Ducks
May 5, 2007
Three ducks go into a bar....
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day...had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she answered with a smile. "My name is Puddles."
Socrates
May 4, 2007
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are about to repeat, a rumour
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, to the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test, the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed, and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
The Loan Arranger
May 1, 2007
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty."
She says,"Hold on."
She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Harry says, "A hand job".
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"
The confession
April 20, 2007
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I
have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely
terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go
over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway
and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and
grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came
down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his
claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near
the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes,
ricochet off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped
within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f*****ng putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
The Blonde Kidnapper ~ A Dastardly Story
April 17, 2007
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a
child and demand a ransom.
She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and
wrote a note:
"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money.
Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at
7AM."
Signed, "The Blonde."
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the
$10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag with the cash was the following note.
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to
another."
Lost
April 13, 2007
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal.
In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and
all night long, we make love."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him.
"I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears,
"I forgot where I live"
Grandpa
April 11, 2007
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This was your Grandma's idea"
Who's pregnant?
April 10, 2007
A man is walking up to the doctor's office when a nun comes running out, screaming and crying.
The guy walks in and says, "Doc, what's with the nun?"
The doctor says, "Oh, I just told her she's pregnant."
The guy says, "The nun's pregnant?"
The doctor says, "No. But it certainly cured her hiccups."
The Clergy
April 10, 2007
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day.
It was very hot.
They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.
Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
Sensitivity
April 8, 2007
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for
Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home
from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my
strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawns. I try not to make a scene.
I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing
it was well worth while. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jim
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver
II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf
club.
Walking with the wife
March 31, 2007
The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The Lamaze Class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "Gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" answered the teacher.
"I was just wondering," the man said.
"Is it all right if she carries a Golf bag while we walk?"
Get a haircut
March 28, 2007
A young boy had just got his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm really disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
The Robot
March 21, 2007
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What is your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biochemistry,
environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot.
He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What is your IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, Bathurst1000, cricket, supermodels, favourite
fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.
He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly..."So..............ya gonna follow the Dockers again this year?"
123 for
March 16, 2007
Ernie is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So, the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
Then he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year."
Ernie rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.
That night he is ready to surprise his wife.
He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne.
After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123" and suddenly he becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised.
His wife, Jane, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks: "What did you say 123 for?"
Bad News
March 16, 2007
Phoning a patient, the doctor says, "I have some bad news and some worse news.
The bad news is that you have only 24 hours to live."
"That is bad news," the patient replies, "what could be worse?"
The doctor answers, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Night out
March 13, 2007
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvellous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
A Dogs Tale
March 13, 2007
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Ship wrecked
March 11, 2007
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening
to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -
a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the
sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the
sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a young good-looking woman named Hillary.
That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky,
cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get
"those feelings" again..
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary, cautiously and
whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Are you hungry ?
February 16, 2007
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra...I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
Just a small problem
February 15, 2007
Fred enters a doctor's surgery for examination.
"Don't laugh!" said Fred.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Solictor
February 14, 2007
Did you hear about the female lawyer who dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?
Why Men's letters never get published in the Dear Abby's agony column
February 8, 2007
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked her mobile phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my 2006 Yamaha Rl motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my Yamaha Rl, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Don't mess with the kids !!
February 5, 2007
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human...it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
=======================================
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like"
Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
=========================================
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and
six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honour thy Father and thy
Mother", she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou
shall not kill."
========================================
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
===========================================
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
=============================================
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun placed a note on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God's watching the apples."
Memories
February 2, 2007
They enjoyed each other's company very much and, at the end of the evening, Sharon invited Jim to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Jim's manhood.
Surprised but appreciative, Jim comments, 'Surely you can't be ready for more so soon…?'
Sharon replies, 'No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had my own
The Towel
January 17, 2007
An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.
They decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.
The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That
will help your wife fantasise, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."
They go home and follow the therapist's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love.
But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.
Perplexed, they go back to the therapist.
"Okay", he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the advice.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly:
"THAT'S how you wave a towel, sonny!!!!"
Howzat!
January 8, 2007
A distraught woman
rushed into a Police Station claiming she had been raped.
The Desk Sergeant
calmed her down and asked her to provide details.
She told him that it was
a man of average height dressed in white and that he was wearing protective
pads on his legs and forearms, additionally he had on a helmet and gloves.
"That sounds as if the man was a cricketer" observed the policeman.
"Oh yes he was" replied the woman, "and what's more he was an Englishman".
"I suppose you guessed that because of his accent " said the Sergeant.
"No" the woman said, "it was because he didn't stay in for very long."
Values
January 6, 2007
A Greek parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding away.
More than a little distraught, the Greek grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive.
Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the Greek starts screaming hysterically:
"My Porsche, my beautiful black Porsche is ruined. No matter how long at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the Greek finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust:
"I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Greeks are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Greek.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realize that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you."
The Greek looks down in absolute horror.
"F***ING HELL!!!!!! he screams........ "Where's my Rolex ????..."
Day at the Zoo
January 3, 2007
Man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose
fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans
and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of
a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and
holding on with one hand and two feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with
his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress. The husband,
noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife
tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her
bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making
noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a
little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This
drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the
husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in
with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now tell him you have a
headache."
Oh No!!
December 26, 2006
The nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement session.
The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious
frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee
Mary Poppins pun
December 26, 2006
Mary Poppins was travelling home but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night.
She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" enquired Mary.
"Sorry, no", came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like hmmm cauliflower cheese please", said Mary.
"Certainly madam", he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?"asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of eggs please...poached",
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam..sleep well?"
"Yes thank you", Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I've have had better. Shame about the eggs though, they
really weren't very nice at all", Mary replied truthfully.
"Oh....well perhaps you could care to contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.
We are always looking to improve our
service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK I will...thanks!" replied Mary...who then checked out, paused a while, then scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving, she left
to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
Here it is...
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious !!!"
The Pirate
December 23, 2006
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they begin to talk about their adventures at sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
so he asks, "How did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into
a school of sharks.
Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords.
One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "....it was my first day with the hook."
Where are we
December 19, 2006
Two Polish hunters from Chicago hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.
The two Poles objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck, Stash asked Wladek, "Any idea where we are?"
Wladek replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
BILLY'S GAY DANCER DAD
December 17, 2006
Billy was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher
asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical
answers Came fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc,
but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father.
My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in
front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with
a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."
Making Love in the Park
December 12, 2006
Joe was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars . ."she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them . . it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife ," Joe answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Joe says, "neither did I, until you shone that light in her face."
Choice's
December 12, 2006
A Mormon was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
Sex Talk
December 9, 2006
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it
might be time to consider marriage.
Before tying the knot, they went out
for a heart to heart talk over dinner to discuss whether it would really
work out.
The talked about finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so
on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to approach the subject of
their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about sex?” he asked.
“Well,” she said, responding very carefully, “I’d have to say that I would like
it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment.
Then, looking over his glasses,
he casually asked, “Was that one word or two?”
Irish Vernacular
December 6, 2006
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken
leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
George and the Devil
November 29, 2006
George Bush has a heart-attack and dies.
Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here so I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room.
In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said."I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.
The devil opened a third door.
In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said,"Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"
Irish Joke of the year
November 28, 2006
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ya now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about
you, Mary.
"
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me self. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he
fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to
make him come."
Any one for a "CREPE"
November 27, 2006
This blokes in a French restaurant for the first time.
The first course starter is snails followed by frogs legs.
After he'd finished the frogs legs the waiter came up. " Everything ok sir ? Would you like a crepe now"??
"
I think I better had " said the bloke " After all the rubbish I've been eating ".
HeHe
November 17, 2006
A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of a strange
development.
On the inside of her upper thighs - a green spot on the inside of
each.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be
getting
worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and
tells
her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's
the
doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy-there's no problem.
But I'm
wondering, is your boyfriend an Aussie?"
The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
Rome
November 9, 2006
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for
a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser,
who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called
Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna
be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel
in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying
to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip
of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped
us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great!
They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest
hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us
their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room
and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes
later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand; I knelt down
and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh really! What'd he say?"
He said:
"Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"
Postman Pat's last day
October 26, 2006
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house a blonde in her lingerie met him at the door.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, but what's the five dollars for?"
Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you".
"I asked him what to give you".
He said, "F--k him. Give him five bucks."
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
veterinary surgeon.
October 24, 2006
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lay her pet on the table the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened
to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, The vet shook his head sadly and
said,
"I'm so sorry, Ma'am, but your Duck Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested "I mean, you haven't done any testing
on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes turned around and left the room and returned a few moments
later with a Black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement,
the dog stood on his hind legs,put his front paws on the examination table, and
sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet,with sad eyes
and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few
moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head
to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said,"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely 100%, certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal hit a few keys and produced a bill
which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150.00 !!! ", she cried, "$150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry If you'd taken my word for it the bill would have
been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's now $150.00.
The stuff of life !!
October 20, 2006
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."
I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"
Anything, Father."
"Well", he said, "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my p * enis in the right place, it can produce life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father, praise the Lord, that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get out of here."
Que
October 11, 2006
This is a true story..........
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service.
A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:
"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
Birds and Bee's
October 1, 2006
A father asked his 11-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech."
"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Upset wife
September 20, 2006
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."
He took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said '
"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
Peanuts
September 20, 2006
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch, he asks the little old lady
"Why they don't eat the peanuts themselves."
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
It pays to be careful around old people.
The Prayer
September 8, 2006
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish
man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day,
for a long, long time, she went to check it out.
She went to the Western Wall
and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and
after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow
fashion, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western
Wall to pray?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
He replied
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all
the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"she asked
"Like I'm talking to a f*#king brick wall"
It's a comin'
September 7, 2006
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Calgary Alberta, while awaiting their respective flights.
One is a North American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Cowboy on his way to Lethbridge for a livestock show.
The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the University of Calgary from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl,
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
Poem
September 7, 2006
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; A university graduate and an old Aboriginal.
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU".
First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:
"Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels two by two, destination - Timbuktu."
The crowd went crazy. No way could the old abbo top that, they thought.
The old Aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
"Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two.
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."
The old Aboriginal won.
Teddy Bears on display
September 7, 2006
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place and, as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall.
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organising the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking.
After a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says....
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."