Joking with Eddy

 

Its the naked truth

August 29, 2006
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walkway with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?" The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red-head asks me to go out to her motor-home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ..so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... '.

And here I am." Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist.


Kmart

August 18, 2006
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into KMart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The KMart greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"


A modern version of the Birds and the Bees

August 18, 2006
A little boy asks his father "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. "Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-café.

I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
"As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
'You've got male


He and She

August 18, 2006A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said - "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh ... immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"


Getting the job done

August 18, 2006
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS.

“HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.”

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, “FIX THE LIGHTS……..NOW?” ”DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.”

”FINE”, SHE SAYS…. THEN THE WIFE ASKS, “WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR…..IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT?” TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

“FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO”

“FINE”, SHE SAYS…. “THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.”

“I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS”, HE SAYS, “DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.”

”I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU…..I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!” SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. HE ENTERS THE HOUSE AND NOTICES THAT THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. ”HONEY”, HE ASKS, “HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?”

SHE SAID, “WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.” HE SAID,

“SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?” SHE REPLIED, “HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?…..I DON’T THINK SO.”


When it's time

August 3, 2006
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience...

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."


Italian Wedding

August 2, 2006
Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests.

Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes.

When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"


Don't pick on the big guy.

July 24, 2006
At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Aboriginal bloke 2 metres tall and 150 kilos.

He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Aboriginal. Leaning over towards the Aboriginal he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"

At this the massive Aboriginal leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that", he says, "just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure", the big Aboriginal replies, "something about a job...."


What starts with "F" and ends with "K"

July 12, 2006
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!

I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong..


Blond joke

July 10, 2006
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole in Pineville, La.,looking up.

A blonde lady walks by and asks what they are doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," says Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman takes a wrench from her purse, loosens a few bolts, and lays the pole down. She then takes a tape measure from her pocket, measures, and announces, "eighteen feet, six inches" and walks away.

Junior shakes his head and laughs. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.

Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of the New Orleans levee's


Unbelievable

June 21, 2006
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of a man named Schwartz, prior to cremation, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the biggest penis he had ever seen. "I'm so sorry Mr Schwartz", the mortician commented, "I cannot allow you to be cremated with such an impressive organ". It must be saved for prosperity."
So, he surgically removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. I have something to show you that you won't believe." he said to his wife, opening the briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"


Money, Money, Money!

June 17, 2006
A wife, just married to her new husband, asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly$1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.


June 8, 2006
Boyfriend: “Do you smoke after sex?” Girlfriend: “Dunno, I've never looked”

Two elderly Kiwi women are sitting on the veranda, sipping gin and tonics and reminiscing about old times. One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?" The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!"


A lady was married to this brute of a man who always beat and kicked her. On top of all that, when they did have sex, it was no good.

She decided she was tired of him and got a divorce.
A couple days after the divorce finalised she placed an ad in the paper that read: "WANTED. Husband that won't beat me or kick me."Good sex a must."

A week or so passed and she finally gets a knock at the door.
She goes to answer it only to find a man sitting in a wheel chair.
She asks what he wants and he informs her that he will be her new husband.
"Well, you don't have any arms." she notices.
"I can't beat you then, can I?" he replies.
"And you don't have any legs!"
"SO! That only means I can't kick you."
She pauses for a moment and then asks, "Well what about the sex?"
He answers confidently, "How do you think I knocked on the door


What's up Doc

June 8, 2006
A man goes to the doctor and says, "It's really painful when I touch my shoulders, and it's agony when I touch my stomach, and it kills me when I touch either leg. What on earth is wrong with me?" "That's easy, replies the doctor, you've broken your finger"


Headache cure

May 31, 2006
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. Joe walked down the street; he realized that he felt like a different person.He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need...a new suit"

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, that's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."


New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS!


Management course

May 18, 2006
MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson One:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw this and asked, "Can I also sit on my ass like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested.
Suddenly, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
MANAGEMENT LESSON:
To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.



LESSON TWO:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my manure droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of manure, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


LESSON THREE:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends your two-minute management course.


Ralphs surgery

May 16, 2006
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?


To be sure

May 15, 2006
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am" The first guy says, "So am I, and where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."
The first guy responds, "So am I....sure and begora, And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I.! So did I". "And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self." About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight".
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."


Clocks

May 15, 2006
A man died and went to Heaven. On passing through the Pearly Gates, he noticed that there were clocks everywhere.
"What is the purpose of all those clocks?", he asked.
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man,
"whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's John Howard's clock?" asked the man. "John Howard's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan."


Nick the dragon slayer

April 20, 2006
Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't care less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, refused to pay.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King 's underpants.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer... MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.


Whats in a name

April 20, 2006
A girl goes to the council to register for child benefit

"How many children?" asks the council worker. "10" replies the girl. "10???" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne" "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the girl, "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"


Roarrrrr!!!

April 20, 2006
Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me." Says the chicken: "Big deal, I only have to cough and the entire planet shits itself."


Don't step on the Ducks

April 20, 2006
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!" So pass through the Pearly Gates, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and, although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day, St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He is very tall, with long eyelashes, muscular, and slim. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"


Fun and Games

April 20, 2006
A virile, young Italian man was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom for sex.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The love-making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian!"



MIND GAME

2% or 98% ? This is strange...can you figure it out? Are you the 2% or 98% of the population? Follow the instructions!

NO PEEKING AHEAD! * Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow. * There's no trick or surprise. * Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! * Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them ... really. * Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something.)

Think of a number from 1 to 10 Multiply that number by 9 If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together Now subtract 5 Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c, etc.) Think of a country that starts with that letter. Remember the last letter of the name of that country. Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter. Remember the last letter in the name of that animal. Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter.

Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange? I told you this was FREAKY!! If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise.


Guinness is good for you

April 6, 2006
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."


Repreive

April 6, 2006
An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client named Wilbur Wright who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? "Where have you been?" and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable, sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, woman! Don't you ever stop?"


ROOAAARRRR!!!!

April 6, 2006
Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear." Lion says: "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me." Says the chicken: "Big deal, I only have to cough and the entire planet shits itself."


Embarrasment

March 28, 2006
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two women and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he can hear his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again! One, two, three, uh," all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get up onto the bed."

The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night – all night - and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.



Eddy Mac