Joking with Eddy
Play time
December 21, 2007
After 20 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her
shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her
right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice,
"Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
I found the remote," he mumbled.
With age comes wisdom
December 16, 2007
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
The man opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog!
This is a good and simple reasoning!!
December 14, 2007
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...
''Try doing it with the engine running."
A hunting we will go
December 14, 2007
The guys were on a hunting trip. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Ryan because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept in Ryan's room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Ryan snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Ryan shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big, burly, ex-rugby player; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed, looking well rested.
"Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened? How did you get a good night's sleep?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Ryan into bed, pinched him on the arse and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night."
Mexican Bull fight
December 11, 2007
Big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins........
Heavens Gates.
December 5, 2007
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.
"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, “You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said,
"You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
Is yer dad home
November 28, 2007
A Queensland farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
"Is your Dad home?" the farmer asked.
"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here?"
"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Greg, is he here?"
"He went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded.
"If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."
Blond joke
November 22, 2007
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that when the boss left they would leave right behind her.
After all she never called, or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?.
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout and a spa before meeting her dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom door she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly she opened the door slightly and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss.
Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.
The next day at their coffee break the redhead and the brunette planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going with them.
"No way", the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday".
Fore !!!
November 22, 2007
Arthur is 90 years old. He's an avid golfer, playing every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking totally downcast.
"That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes, and makes him a cuppa.
As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".
"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help".
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect".
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!"
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I can't remember".
The Monastry
November 15, 2007
A man is driving down the road and breaks down outside a monastery.
He knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can't tell you. You're not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the very same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can't tell you. You're not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task.
Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284, 232 blades of grass and 231,281,219, 999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is yet another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the key to the last door.” The man is relieved no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
No kidding!!!
November 14, 2007
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said,
"Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
"'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"
Memories!!
November 13, 2007
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
The elderly woman had, unknowingly, left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.
To add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man... He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses,
the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
Just name it
November 5, 2007
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the near darkness.
He climbs slowly and gently into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...
"You want... Garick chicken with corrifrowa?"
Excited Gorilla
November 2, 2007
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.
She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."
You're never too old
October 25, 2007
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day, Bill didn’t show up.
Sam didn’t think much about it at the time and figured maybe he just had a cold or something.
After Bill hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam got really worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, and Sam didn’t know where Bill lived, he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill.
However, one day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold! There sat Bill.
Sam was very excited and happy to see his old friend, and told him so.
Then he said, “For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?”
Bill replied, “I’ve been in jail”.
“Jail?” cried Sam, “what in the world for?”
“Well”, Bill said, “you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?”
“Yeah”, said Sam, “I remember her…what about her?”
“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded “guilty” and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury”
The Way We Were!
October 23, 2007
An elderly couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you use to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said : "Then you use to bite my neck"
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going ?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Excuse me, Sergeant Major!
October 23, 2007
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten n up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him...several times.
Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Alberts birthday
October 20, 2007
August 19 was Einstein's birthday. He would have been 128.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
Indian names
October 15, 2007
A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and medicine man of the tribe, “Father, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names like Bill, Tex or Sam?”
His father replied, "My son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.
Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world, appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
It's very simple and easy to understand.
Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"
BRITISH GENEROSITY
October 10, 2007
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The United States is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The rest of the European community (except France) are sending money.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
The Brits, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis
The Fottle
October 8, 2007
I entered the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.
I went to the main desk to sign in, and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.
She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"
"A Fottle." I replied
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
she asked
"A Farton."
I replied
She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products, and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
Who are you?
October 8, 2007
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him; "You look like Einstein, but you've no idea the lengths to which some people will go to sneak into heaven. can you prove who you are?"
Einstein asks; "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk appear.
Einstein then explains, using mathematical symbols, his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is impressed. "You really are Einstein", he says. "You may enter heaven."
The next to arrive is Picasso. Saint Peter asks for credentials. "Mind if I use the blackboard and chalk?" asks Picasso.
"Go ahead," replies Saint Peter. Picasso erases Einstein's equations and quickly sketches a truly stunning mural. "Surely, you are the great artist you claim to be ," exclaims Saint Peter. " Come on in."
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees David Beckham. Saint Peter scratches his head and says; "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
Beckham looks bewildered, then asks; "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
"Come on in, David." replies Saint Peter.
With respect!
October 7, 2007
Pavarotti arrives at the Pearly Gates and rings the bell to be let in.
St Peter opens up and says, "Oh it's you Luciano. Come on in, squeeze through".
Pavarotti says, "Hold on, I've got an envelope for you, from the Pope".
St Peter opens it up and reads it.....
'Here's that tenor I owe you'
My Living will
October 4, 2007
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch
$1000 to see Natalie
September 30, 2007
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly man. His clothes were all dishevelled and he looked needy.
Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else....."
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills.
The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...It was still $1,000.
Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row ... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your Father died. She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
Bush goes to school
September 27, 2007
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
"Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess .
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
"Little Johnnie" he responds.
"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"
"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the F ..... happened to Stanley?"
How Moses aquired the 10 commandments
September 24, 2007
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill ! We're not interested."
So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Honour thy Father and thy Mother."
"Father ! We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments.
"The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal ! We're not interested."
Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery, we're not interested."
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10.
There, that should offend just about everybody
3 Engineers
September 24, 2007
Three engineers were standing at the urinals.
The first one finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried.
Turning to the other two engineers, he said, “At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough.”
The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.
He turned and said, “At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient.”
The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, “At Apple Computer, Inc. we don’t pee on our hands.”
Buying a fishing rod
September 16, 2007
A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just
grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a two meter Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg. test line. It's a good all around combination,and
it's on sale this Week for $44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor."Oh, That sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the
blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The salesman rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't You tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
Old Lady
September 15, 2007
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 notes falling out of that bag ...
"Darn!" says the little old lady ..."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds. So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,
and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, "$20 or off it comes"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
New Australian
September 15, 2007
A Somali woman arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia
She stops the first person she sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country".
But the passer-by says "You're mistaken, I am from Ireland ."
She goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia."
This one says, "I no Australian, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person she sees, she stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Australia."
This one puts up his hand and says, "I am from Iraq, I am not an Australian."
She finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an Australian?"
She replies, "No, I am from New Zealand."
She is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Australians?"
The Kiwi looks at her watch, shrugs, and says, "Probably at work."
Where do babies come from?
September 12, 2007
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in
love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby.
Little Johnny at the back of the class puts his hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork Miss? Cos my big
sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach.!!!"
MORNING SEX
September 12, 2007
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in.
She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Little things can be worrying
September 8, 2007
I rear-ended another car this morning. I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it! He was a DWARF.
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well, then, which one ARE you?"
That's how the fight started.
Feminine craft!
September 3, 2007
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping
It's a puzzle !!
August 31, 2007
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says,
"Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh,
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Living Wills.
August 29, 2007
While I was watching the Masters golf this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
.....Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass
Talking Dog For Sale...
August 24, 2007
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks."
Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?
"The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eaves- dropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down .
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
" I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," is the reply.
The guy says "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar", replied the owner.
"He never did any of that stuff"
Let him dig
August 22, 2007
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..
Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig, I had him buried upside down......"
Red Tomatoes
August 21, 2007
A beautiful woman loved growing vegetables, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked him, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
He responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed that she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So, twice a day for two weeks, she flashed her garden, hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out with your tomatoes? Did they turn red yet?"
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Suicide
August 20, 2007
A guy walks into the local library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, do you have any books on suicide?"
She stops what she is doing, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,
"Bugger off, you won't bring it back!"
Who's the father?
August 18, 2007
Guy goes to the supermarket and notices an
attractive woman waving at him. She says, "Hello."
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
The Three Labrador Retrievers
August 14, 2007
Three male Labrador Retrievers . . . One brown, one golden and one black, were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office, when they struck up a conversation.
The black lab turned to the brown lab and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything ... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners' bed."
The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off", came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black lab then turned to the golden lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The golden lab answered, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab enquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected golden lab said.
The golden lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper", the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".
The golden and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped
TEACHER ARRESTED AT AIRPORT!
August 14, 2007
NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes
the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.
Guess what
August 10, 2007
A 75 year old woman stands up in the communal lounge of her retirement home with right arm raised and fist clenched and says,
"Whoever guesses correctly what I have in my right hand can sleep with me."
An old fella at the back says, "An elephant?"
She pauses for a second then says, "Near enough."
Neighbours
August 10, 2007
A man and his wife were woken up in the middle of the night by the next-door neighbour's dog - persistently barking and howling.
The man said - I will go down and sort it out.
Calm down - it will quieten shortly - don't worry, replied his wife.
But he didn't listen and went off to sort out the problem.
When he came back his wife said what have you done.
I have solved the problem. I have put it in our yard - --See how they like it.
Marital problems
August 8, 2007
A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
Corvette Power!
August 7, 2007
So this older guy gets his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper
World Cup fever
August 2, 2007
It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into
the Brazilian changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered."
Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself. You lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads " Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!
Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the television on.
"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, no, I have, I've let you down. I got sent off after 12 minutes."
Wwwwaaat wwwwwould yyyyooouu ddddooo?
July 27, 2007
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter.
"What's it to be ?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................."says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui.............."
Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th..............."
"Oh bugger this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.
"Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.
And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th...........".
"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can answer a question without stuttering I'll let you shag me!"
Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman. "Where do you live?"
"M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."
"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh.
"E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb."
"Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
"London" blurts out the Irishman.
"Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady.
A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom.
Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.
Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly
screams out "...............- D D D D D D D D Derry!!"
The Pastor's Donkey
July 25, 2007
A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.
The local newspaper read: 'PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT'.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local newspaper headline read: 'BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS'.
This was too much for the bishop so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: 'NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN'.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer For $10-00.
The next day the paper read: 'NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10-00'.
This was too much for the bishop, So he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: 'NUN ANNOUNCES..HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE'.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is:
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery ....and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.....Only worry about your own ASS not someone else's.
You'll be a lot happier and live longer.
Gotta love the Irish!
July 24, 2007
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60
POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I was going
to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From the hunger, you mean?"said the doctor
"No, from the f**kin' skippin", the Irishman said.
The Kiwi
July 19, 2007
A man in New Zealand buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep
are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up again, does his thing, drive home, and falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
Anyone for golf ?
July 11, 2007
A golf pro was working in the pro shop when a lady golfer came in to complain.
She said that not only had she just shot her worst round ever but, to top it off, she had been stung by a bee.
The golf pro asked her where she’d been stung.
She told him it was between the first and the second holes.
The golf pro said, “I can tell you right now….your stance is too wide.”
The ring
July 6, 2007
An white-haired old man walks into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000, " the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account!"
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had!"
A Tiger in Ireland
July 6, 2007
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "Hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Hell", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."
Who is it
July 4, 2007
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
The Dentist
July 4, 2007
A man went to a dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.
No way! No needles! I hate needles! The patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.
I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating
to me! The Dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
No, the patient says, "I am fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, here is a Viagra tablet.
The patient says, Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill.
It doesn't, said the dentist, but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.
Because I am Blond
July 2, 2007
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids
could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could
only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we
were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests,
but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."
Bingo Card
June 29, 2007
A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.
"Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"
Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mum a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
Same exchange with mum... "Won it at bingo!"
Colleen returns to London again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all at bingo.
Then she asks mum to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.
When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her mum being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs,
"Mum! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"
"Indeed there is, me darlin'," replies her Mum. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"
You can never fool Mum
Three wishes
June 25, 2007
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
The wife promptly hooked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful. Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done. Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large man reclining on the couch asked,
"Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh..yeah, we're sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary...actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm A Genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd
like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do and I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young lady, what do you want?"
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home, complete with servants, in every country in the world", she said.
Consider it done", the genie said. And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, Genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,
"How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded, breathlessly.
" No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
Had to share the good news
June 22, 2007
Apple Computers announced today...
That it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will Cost $499 or $599 depending on the size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
World war Three
June 16, 2007
President Bush decides to take some time out from the White House and goes to a local bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's him."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour! What are you doing in here?"
Bush says, " I'm planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to the bartender and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims".
Women drivers
June 7, 2007
Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my right and
there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 100kms per hour with her face
up close to the mirror putting on her eyeliner.
Shocked, I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was still putting on the makeup but drifting halfway into my lane.
It scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.
In all the confusion, I tried to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn "Big Jim & The Twins", causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and disconnected an important call.
****ing Women Drivers!!!!!!!
Little Tony's Tales
June 6, 2007
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left ?"
She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."
"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately
licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the
ice cream. Which one is married ?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father ?
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.
"But that's right !" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"
"What's the ****ing difference ?" asks the father.
"That's what I said !"
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word ?"
TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go
to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss !!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this
situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the
word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you
had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN !"
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own ****ing business
Dont do it again!!
June 6, 2007
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.
One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and the other was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, 'If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.'
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.
His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, 'You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead.'
Blond jokes
May 31, 2007
OVERHEAD
A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!"
DENT REMOVAL
A blonde left her car out in a hailstorm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem.
The mechanic jokingly told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed. So, she took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe.
Another blonde came by and inquired what she was doing. She told her she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents.
The other blonde responded, "That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows!"
ON THE SAFE SIDE
A blonde, about to go on a date, goes into the drug store to buy some condoms—just in case.
She walks up to the pharmacist and asks, "How much for a box of condoms?" "They're one dollar for a box of three," he replied, "Plus eight cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."
NEW TECH
A blonde says to her psychiatrist, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
He replies, "Don't you have a phone in your car?" She says, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
The psychiatrist, laughing to himself, asks, "Uh, how's that working?" The blonde replies, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." He asks, "And why do you think that is?"
The blonde in all her wisdom replies, "I figure it's because when I'm driving around my post code keeps changing.
THE JUMPER
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and were watching the six o’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed.
The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the five o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
Bill & Tom
May 30, 2007
Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and is severed by the big bench saw.
Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.
Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill.
The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising."
Tom couldn't believe it, but there's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by before Bill slips again and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing.
So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising". And sure enough, there's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And Bill comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead"
Tom is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in"
"No," says the nurse, "Some dopey b*stard put his head in a plastic bag and he
suffocated"
Good old Collingwood forever
May 27, 2007
The seven dwarfs are down in the mine when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a voice shouts out "Collingwood are good enough to win the Premiership."
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
Pocketful of Pal
May 26, 2007
I have 3 dogs & was buying a large bag of dog food at Big W.
While standing in line at the check out, the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 Kilos before I awakened in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially the perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that, as the food is nutritionally complete, I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no....it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Silly woman...why else would I buy dog food?