October 7, 2008
FROM OLLIE IN ENGLAND
The Outback Virgin! A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
April 30, 2008
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
The little girl said,
'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
March 17, 2008
HAPPY PADDY'S DAY
Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims but he swears every word is true."Well," asked the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you ?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman . . . "But it did happen to me sister."
March 5, 2008
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.
Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to The door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fxxxxn' @@@@@@d," he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No f###@?n' way".
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to The Bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "F@#$% it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of Coffee and says,
"Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was ' pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned... You left your wheelchair at the pub!"
March 4, 2008
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk..... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, why do you want to see the Doctor?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
March 3, 2008
John O`Reilly hoisted his beer and said " Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary " I won the prize for the best toast of the night"
She said "Aye, didye now, and what was your toast?'
John said " Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church besides me wife"
"Oh, that is very nice indeed John!" Mary said
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said " John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you Mary".
She said "Aye, he told me and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull by the ears to make him come".
March 3, 2008
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example the other day my wife and I went to Victoria Park and went to a shop. We were only there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a traffic inspector writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said "come on man how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued to write the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him the more tickets he wrote
Personally we didn't care We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that were are retired. It's important at our age
February 15, 2008
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO
January 27, 2008
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 150km per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you bloody well keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "@#!!*x@ woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "FOR CHRIST SAKE YOU OLD BITCH PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
(I love this part....)
"Only when he's been drinking."
EFFECTIVE ANGER MANAGEMENT
December 21, 2007
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back.......how do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet.."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."
PETER . A
November 30, 2007
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these things, Dad?"
The father, matter-of-factly, replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
The boy looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for the high school boys. One is for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He then notices a 6 pack of condoms and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy excitedly, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, while picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, and a tear in his eye, the dad answers,
"Son, Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."
November 23, 2007
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do" "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ." "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
November 9, 2007
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship....
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother". The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair. He held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry you had me de-sexed."
November 9, 2007
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, ...............................
"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".
November 1, 2007
A Married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Speed goes to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies...in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he enquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
Moral of the Story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.
October 30, 2007
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said... "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said.... "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response...
So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER.'
With a death grip in place, she said... "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!"
October 24, 2007
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with an ice block and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company, he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a ice block."
October 23, 2007
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
October 23, 2007
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?" The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, "Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?"
The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running."
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black"
October 13, 2007
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. . . . .
"You just happened to catch my eye."
October 12, 2007
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt !!! The king was overjoyed.
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M & M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking ???
October 12, 2007
I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Samaritans.
I was put through to a call centre in Pakistan.
I explained that I was feeling suicidal.
They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an aeroplane....
October 7, 2007
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard, Peter Costello, and Kevin Rudd. They're asking for a $300 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre."
September 25, 2007
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously! wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
August 31, 2007
A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin . She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay thehigh prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude ? of one of the shopkeepers.
the blonde shouted,
"Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"!
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile! Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river.
Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out.......
" SH1T, SH1T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!
August 29, 2007
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected the following
A litre of milk
A carton of eggs
A carton of orange juice
A 250 gram package of bacon
A head of lettuce A 1 kilo can of coffee
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the Cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.
I looked at the Six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my elections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied,
"Cause you're ugly."
August 29, 2007
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell ring. But, much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said: "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: " Rang the door-bell, didn't I?"
August 8, 2007
1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing !"
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."
5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said ??"
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have Snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night ?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard ! 8 inches = 20 Centimetre
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters Golf tournament: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like >this."
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: >"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
NEIL . M
August 7, 2007
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children you've got there, are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you d*ckhead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"
July 28, 2007
There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid.....I'm wearing a condom."
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him that he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door.
He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan sheets. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me
September 12, 2006
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history:
Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural > causes.
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until > you would find the letter "A"? > A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "good night, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
> At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
August 29, 2006
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.Do you want a bed near the window?"
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO ME?
August 29, 2006
Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for A Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
Oh and....... Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only inAustralia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the Way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy People can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only inAustralia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only inAustralia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only inAustralia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only inAustralia ... do we use answering machines to screen calls And then have 'call waiting' so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Australia ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink. NOT TO MENTION... 3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Aussies were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.........and finally,
In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
March 22, 2006
Hi Sherro - a story for your web site - if you want
A priest and a bus driver died and went straight to heaven, both at the same time. They get to the pearly gates and meet St. Peter who greets them. St. Peter asks the priest to follow him to where he will be staying in heaven and they drive together in a jeep to a little cottage with about 50 acres of rolling green hills. St Peter turns to the Priest and says: “this will be your home for eternity, a perfect little cottage by a nice pond with a flower garden and a library full of books.” The priest says, “Thank you so much. This I will enjoy greatly!” St. Peter departs and returns to the pearly gates to now meet the bus driver. This time St. Peter takes the bus driver in a luxury Rolls Royce and they drive to about 500 acres of land with mountains, lakes and rivers. There is a huge 200 room castle on one of the mountains and a wishing well that makes all wishes come true. St Peter turns to the bus driver and says: “This will be yours for eternity! You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot and everything you want can be yours!” The bus driver looks at St. Peter and says, “please do not think I am not grateful, but why have you given me so much more than the priest?
“ ' ' ' . . St Peter chuckles and says: “You brought more souls to heaven! When the priest preached everyone fell asleep. When you drove your bus people prayed!”
February 16, 2006
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the man........and decided to send a reply note.
The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants".
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.
However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.
February 8, 2006
Subject: FW: BBQ
In the beginning
God created day and night.
He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's.
He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On theSecond Day,
God created water -
for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good.
On the Third Day
God created the Earth to bring forth plants
to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.
On the Fourth Day
God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Fifth day
God created a Bloke -
to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Sixth Day
God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.
On the Seventh Day
God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... well .. almost good. He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas -
to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, To cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.
It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!
February 2, 2006 DOCTOR DAVE
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.
Whispering......Dave........Dave..................you're a vet.
February 2, 2006
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and Does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving Back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find His penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
TheDoctor, never having seen anything like this before, Orders some tests and tells the man to return in two Days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later.
the doctor Says: "I've got bad news for you ---you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give Me a shot or something and fix me up.
Doc." The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a Second opinion." The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead If you want, but surgery is your only choice." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, Figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:
" Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease." The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already Know that, but what can we do? My American doctor Wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:
" Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!" Oh, Thank God!" the man replies. "Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry!
Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!"
January 27, 2006 Kiwi walks
into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling,
this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find
that's a sheep, you idiot."
The guy says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
January 27, 2006 An old man
was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors - green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared. The young man said \"What\'s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?\"
The old man replied, \"Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just
wondering if you were my son.\"
January 27, 2006 The Australian newspaper, over a period of weeks, sought entries
the Great Australian Yarn.
This was the winner:
Two drovers standing in a bar. One asked, What are you up to?
Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie.
Oh yeah . . . and what route are you takin'?
Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought
January 27, 2006
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with big boobs who owns a pub and a cray
fishing boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.
January 27, 2006
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,
"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"So the couple walked in.
"I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in,"the Jamaican said to them. "Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,being the "sex god" that he was.
" How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" the husband asked the shopkeeper. Just try dem on, Mon," the Jamaican replied.
After some badgering from his wife, the man finally gave in, and tried the sandals on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes ... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, quickly bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. At which point the Jamaican began screaming,
"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET, MON! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
January 27, 2006
These are the symptoms for bird flu:
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.
If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment
1. High fever
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.
Apparently it's going around NY at the moment.
1. is a girl's apology email for cheating on some bloke.
2. is his reply which was Bcc'd to his entire address book.
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel likethe worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you.
Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing.
I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something.
The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping thatyou didn't.
I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you.
It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined.
It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.
I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't.
If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great.
I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.
I am so sorry.
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for
" Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".
You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded
yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans,
I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.
I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room.
The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do.
Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,
January 27, 2006
HOW YODELLING BEGAN
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow is traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.!
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....