July 27, 2007
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacists' eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
PETER. A
July 27, 2007
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by
a loud pounding on the door in Glasgow.
The man gets up and goes to the
door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,
is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is
3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 o' clock in the morning and it is
pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his
wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down, and those Maryhill guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk?
KEITH. S
July 25, 2007
Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling.
Take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Cheryl listened to the instructor declare:
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Robert leaned over, touched Cheryl's arm gently and whispered,
"Self -raising, isn't it?"
Thus began Robert's life of celibacy
PETER .A
July 23, 2007
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed,
"God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed,
"God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
PETER A.
July 23, 2007
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard, Peter Costello, and Kevin Rudd. They're asking for a $300 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.
We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre."
PETER. H
July 8, 2007
The Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare
species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and
difficult
to handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The
gorilla
was on heat.
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species
available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed
Graham,
a
big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's
machinery.
Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability
to satisfy a female of any species.
So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Graham
was
approached with a proposition .
Would he be willing to have sex with the
gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter
over carefully.
The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their
offer,
but
only under three conditions:
"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they
asked
what his third condition was.
"Wull," said Graham,
"You gotta give me another
wik to come up with the $500."
PETER. H
July 2, 2007
A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey and ordered a drink.
While he was drinking, the monkey jumped all around the place.
It grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced
limes and
ate them.
It jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard
balls, stuck it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow
swallowed it whole.
The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy said, "No, what?"
"He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in
sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink,
paid his bar bill and paid for the stuff the monkey ate and walked out.
Two weeks later he came into the bar again along with his monkey. He ordered
a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before.
While the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his rear, then pulled it out and
ate it. Then it found a peanut.. This, too, he stuck up his rear, pulled it
out and ate it.
The bartender was disgusted "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he
asked.
"No, what?" replied the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.
The same with a peanut!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. " said the guy. "He still eats everything
in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures
everything first."
PETER. H
June 29, 2007
One night, a man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers.
They strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about we sleep
together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."
The woman agrees. So they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom
and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room.
She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes.
Finally, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman.
"You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?"
"Yeah," says the man, a bit taken aback. "How did you know?"
The woman answers, "I didn't feel a thing.
BARRY .G
June 25, 2007
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
PETER. A
June 25, 2007
SMART ARSED ANSWER 1
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.
The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver "Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"
PETER .A
June 23, 2007
Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.
One morning on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie,
"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today.
I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in
the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on
the front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another
ditzy blonde,
the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the
cow to be bred?"
That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Maggie explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess
it's to hang your trousers on."
PETER. H
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous Activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
P.H
May 28, 2007
For his birthday Little Matt asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son,
we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $300,000 and your mother
just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Matt heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Matt told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you
tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she
was coming too.
Well,I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $300,000
mortgage and no f****ng bike!"
May 13, 2007
One day, a man came home and was greeted by
his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a
card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him.
"What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple
of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving."
May 5, 2007
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly the Camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it ?"
"No, not really, Sir... they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
CON MIGRO
May 3, 2007
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face".
A.C
May 3, 2007
A Jamaican Fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife, “You know sumptin’, woman, we have a wonderful new system at de Fire Station….
Bell 1 rings. we put on our jackets
Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole
Bell 3 rings, we jump on de engine and we’s ready to go.
So from now on woman, when I say “Bell one”, I want you to strip naked.
When I say “Bell two”, you jump on de bed.
When I say “Bell three”, we’s gonna mek love all tru de night, girl.”
The next night he came home and shouted…
“Bell one!” and his wife stripped naked.
“Bell two!” and she jumped on the bed.
“Bell three!” and they started to make love.
After a few minutes, the wife yells out, “Bell Four”.
“WOMAN… what de hell is ‘Bell Four’?” he asked.
She replied……
“ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN’T NOWHERE NEAR DE FIRE!!!!!!”
A.C
May 3, 2007
There was a ragged, old, retired Chief Stoker who shuffled into a
waterfront bar.
Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he
took the 'Piano Player Wanted' sign from the window and handed it to the
bartender. I'd like to apply for the job,' he said.
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old Salt, but it
had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was
falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try. The old Chief
staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered.
By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.
What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music, unlike anyone had heard
in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song
he had just played.
It's called 'Drop your Dacks, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight' said the old
Chief after he took a long pull from the beer.
The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player went on with a
knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
After he finished the Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd
the song was called, 'Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out.' He then
excused himself as he lurched to the head.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, 'Look Chief, the
job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging
out?'
'Know it?' the old Chief replied, 'I wrote it!!!'
P. H
April 14, 2007
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
CON MIGRO
April 14, 2007
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
CON MIGRO
March 11, 2007
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared
everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman
had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband
never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought
about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the
doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe
box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
totaling
$95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my
grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and
crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.
"but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
Alba
March 5, 2007
FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tyred.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network
in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21 The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
And might I add...
It is better to have loved a short woman than never to have loved a tall.
P.H
March 3, 2007
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said.
I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.I told her; of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.
"Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that."
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
"Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
"Exactly," replied Jill.
"And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."
Geo
February 23, 2007
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM" He left it where he knew she would find
it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why
his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
A. G
February 17, 2007
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a
nursing home. Since most of the facilities were completely full,
they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit
grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,"
says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the
wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different
from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the
residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a
musician here he's -- 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin
in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been
on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"
And there's a physician here -- 90 years ! old. He hasn't been
practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him
'Doctor'!"
"And what about you Grandpa" - asks the grandson.
"And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me
'The f****g Arab!"
B.G
February 17, 2007
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a
lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him that he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door.
He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan sheets. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me
September 12, 2006
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of
thumb".
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered
into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred
and Wilma Flintstone
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent
people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
> causes.
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
> you would find the letter "A"?
> A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers
all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the
bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "good night, sleep
tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which
we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's
where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not,
you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd
waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan
mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and
lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
B.G
August 29, 2006
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a
visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether
or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.Do you
want a bed near the window?"
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO ME?
August 29, 2006
Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish
pub
for A Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or
a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV.
Oh and.......
Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
Only inAustralia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the Way
to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy People can buy
cigarettes at the front.
Only inAustralia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries
and a DIET coke.
Only inAustralia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens
to the counters.
Only inAustralia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the
drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only inAustralia ...
do we use answering machines to screen calls
And then have 'call waiting' so we won't miss a call from someone we
didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Australia ... are there disabled parking places in front of a
skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Aussies
were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new
shirts.
58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.
31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while
the fairy lights were plugged in.
8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette
in their mouth.
A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.........and finally,
In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the
toilet.
K J
March 22, 2006
Hi Sherro - a story for your web site - if you want
A priest and a bus driver died and went straight to heaven, both at the same
time. They get to the pearly gates and meet St. Peter who greets them. St.
Peter asks the priest to follow him to where he will be staying in heaven and
they drive together in a jeep to a little cottage with about 50 acres of rolling
green hills. St Peter turns to the Priest and says: “this will be your home for eternity, a perfect little cottage by a nice pond with a flower garden and a library full of books.”
The priest says, “Thank you so much. This I will enjoy greatly!” St. Peter departs and returns to the pearly gates to now meet the bus driver.
This time St. Peter takes the bus driver in a luxury Rolls Royce and they drive to about 500 acres of land with mountains, lakes and rivers. There is a huge 200 room castle on one of the mountains and a wishing well that makes all wishes come true. St Peter turns to the bus driver and says: “This will be yours for eternity! You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot and everything you want can be yours!”
The bus driver looks at St. Peter and says, “please do not think I am not grateful,
but why have you given me so much more than the priest?
“
'
'
'
.
.
St Peter chuckles and says: “You brought more souls to heaven! When the priest
preached everyone fell asleep. When you drove your bus people prayed!”
GREG K
February 16, 2006
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the man........and decided to send a reply note.
The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants".
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.
However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.
BG
February 8, 2006
Subject: FW: BBQ
In the beginning
God created day and night.
He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's.
He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw
that it was good.
On theSecond Day,
God created water -
for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach, and
God saw that it was good.
On the Third Day
God created the Earth to bring forth plants
to provide malt and
yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.
On the Fourth Day
God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and
prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Fifth day
God created a Bloke -
to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,
drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was
good.
On the Sixth Day
God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the
footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God
created Mates, and God saw that they were good
Blokes, and God saw that it was good.
On the Seventh Day
God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the
hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes.
He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw
that it was good ...
well .. almost good.
He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas -
to clean the house, to bear children, to
wash, To cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not
just good.
It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!
BG
February 2, 2006 DOCTOR DAVE
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd
hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But
invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.
Whispering......Dave........Dave..................you're a vet.
BG
February 2, 2006
CHINESE MEDICINE
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and Does not use a condom
all the time. A week after arriving Back home in the States, he wakes one
morning to find His penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
TheDoctor, never having seen
anything like this before, Orders some tests and tells the man to return
in two Days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later.
the doctor Says: "I've got bad news for you ---you've contracted Mongolian
VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give Me a shot or
something and fix me up.
Doc."
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a Second opinion."
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead If you want, but
surgery is your only choice." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese
doctor, Figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor
examines his penis and proclaims:
"
Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already Know that, but
what can we do? My American doctor Wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:
"
Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way.
No need to opelate!"
Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry!
Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!"
BG
January 27, 2006 Kiwi walks
into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling,
this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find
that's a sheep, you idiot."
The guy says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
KJ
January 27, 2006 An old man
was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench
and sat down.
He had spiked hair all different colors - green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said \"What\'s the matter old timer, never done anything
wild in your life?\"
The old man replied, \"Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.
I was just
wondering if you were my son.\"
KS
January 27, 2006 The Australian newspaper, over a period of weeks, sought entries
for
the Great Australian Yarn.
This was the winner:
Two drovers standing in a bar. One asked, What are you up to?
Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie.
Oh yeah . . . and what route are you takin'?
Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought
BG
January 27, 2006
FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how
big is my behind?" I
pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
***********************************************
MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with big boobs who owns a pub and a
cray
fishing boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.
Amen.
BG
January 27, 2006
SANDALS
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal
shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,
"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"So the couple walked
in.
"I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in,"the
Jamaican said to them. "Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man
claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,being the "sex
god" that he was.
"
How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" the husband asked the shopkeeper.
Just
try dem on, Mon," the Jamaican replied.
After some badgering from his wife, the man finally gave in, and tried the sandals
on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes
... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, quickly bent him over
a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm
hold of the Jamaican's hips. At which point the Jamaican began screaming,
"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET, MON! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
BG
January 27, 2006
These are the symptoms for bird flu:
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird
flu.
If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment
immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.
BG
Apparently it's going around NY at the moment.
1. is
a girl's apology email for cheating on some bloke.
2. is his reply which
was Bcc'd to his entire address book.
Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel
likethe worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly
truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you.
Of all the people in the
whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever
want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or anything that happened,
so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink,
and I did a stupid thing.
I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even
handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle
is thinking that you see me as a different person.
It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something.
The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid
me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed.
I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping thatyou
didn't.
I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also
hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally
crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in
my life, I can't imagine my days without you.
It is totally strange and weird
to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that, and
you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling
like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not.
I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I
just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing
I could have ever imagined.
It was right up there with one of the ugliest
nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix
it.
I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't.
If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff
together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you
could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great.
I can't even
focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly
break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are
not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle
that.
I am so sorry.
Elizabeth
RESPONSE:
Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for
"
Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".
You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to
carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with
a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom
for 45minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long
because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid
thing" as
it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded
yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2hour span, or that
you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow
gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked
funny" to
you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers,
Prada Bags and Jelly Beans,
I'm sure it must have been most unsettling
to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight.
The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible
person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling
blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.
I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who
comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone
else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who
decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut
is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room.
The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the
young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday,
we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you
really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do.
Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching
sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
PS. I BCC'd about
100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,
Brad
BG
January 27, 2006
HOW
YODELLING BEGAN
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He
went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
!
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who
is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow is traveling through," said the farmer. "needs
a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared
him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and
straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the
man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,!
and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse
buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.!
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on
his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke
into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she
cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the
house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had
sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to
his mouth, and yelled out.....
"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO
BG