January 17, 2008

A report from a contact at Dalkeith-Nedlands is as follows:

The Gosnells boys walked up the car park of DN like a scene from reservoir puppies, pushing a pram containing their big gun, one David “ the Kid” Downey. Their hopes of an unlikely win were almost dashed when one of them nearly dropped the Kid whilst transferring him from the pram to the high chair in the Club Rooms.

At the end of the day “the Kid” had done all he could, part of the only winning rink, but Gozzies still dropped 7 points to the top team.


The Bomb 32/16
The Enola Gay was the plane that delivered the bomb that scared the shit out of the mayor of Hiroshima, not to mention a couple of hundred thousand other residents as well. Our own little Enola Gay, in the form of Tom the Bomb’s mum, (who delivered the Bomb some 30 years ago), turned up for the match to watch the Bomb play on Saturday and the Bomb and his boys lit up the sky.
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The Bomb----------------------------A-BOMB

His rink again carried the aggregate with the Bomb and the Saint the outstanding contributors, with the Saint in such form that I can hear Billy Galloway, with stretched out breathy Scottish inflection saying “Juuust awesome”. The Big Bloke might as well just walk to the head and put them where he wants because he is simply making his own arrangements at the moment.
The Bomb is indeed fortunate to have a weapon of the Saint’s caliber sitting at three. What the Saint did on Saturday, Alec “the Big Banana Fritter” Gryta did on Thursday in a display as good as ever seen at Dalkieth Nedlands. Although he did not repeat the dose he was still very, very good.
Little wonder opposition teams are struggling to even stay in touch. “The Reverend” John McCormack, or “The bowler formerly known as Gentleman John McCormack” complimented the others well and with five wins on the trot, and not just little wins, the Bomb and his boys are truly on fire.

Reverend” John McCormack, or “The bowler formerly known as Gentleman John McCormack”
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The Mad Dog v Brett “Dutchy” Holland 8 / 23
The Mad Dog got his head kicked in twice in the afternoon, first by the rink of Brett “Dutchy” Holland and the Gosnells Clogs, and secondly by the Stallion immediately after the match. The Krackerjack fly’s back in on Tuesday so it may be three times a charm for the Dog. Consigned to the graveyard rink where bad things happen, “the Kid” proved too much for the Mad Dog and his pack.

For starters the Gosnells boys had forgotten the Kid’s bottle and formula and so the game had to be delayed while one of them slipped off to the local chemist. After he had been feed and the game eventually started, it wasn’t long before the game was delayed again because the little bloke had wind and had to be burped.

Then two ends after the game gets back under way the Mad Dog looks up to see the Gozzies second holding the Kid up at arms length with the third, Jason “the Skunk” Bryant, holding a bowling cloth to his, and the seconds, nose indicating that the little bloke had dropped his guts, and followed through, and was in desperate need of a nappy change. “Nervous” Normy Sutton was dry retching in the ditch.

Well as you can imagine not one of the other 23 blokes participating in the game were prepared to go near the smelly little bastard, certainly not in that condition.

“No no we don’t do nappies”,was the collective response.

Luckily ten minutes later the Saints missus dropped in to watch the Saint and she jumped into the breach. She was heard muttering under her breath through clenched teeth, which were biting down on four large safety pins, “You blokes are absolutely pathetic, you really are”

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The skunk------------------------------------------------A skunk


The Kid, just before he shit himself a second time

After she had changed the nappy, powdered his bot bot, she gave him a hug and rocked him to sleep. As she walked off still muttering the Saint looked over from his rink, shrugged his shoulders and said “Shit, don’t look at me, I chop the wood”.


The Saints missus - not happy and prepared to point the finger.

With all the distractions it was little wonder that “Dutchy” and his boys got a break on the Mad Dog. The Stallion who is a must win kind of animal at the best of times, devised a cunning, but perhaps not quite legal plan, in which he would distract the Gosnells boys, the Mad Dog would disguise himself as a dingo, sneak into the tent, tear off the kids pink jump suit and eat him.

When the Dog suggested that he did not think it would easy to disguise himself as a Dingo, the Stallion said it was easy. He said he once had a cousin called Bold Personality who was on one occasion able to disguise himself as a donkey called Fine Cotton. Having accepted that the deception was possible it was while the Mad Dog was mentally wrestling with the logistics of the jump suit that he delivered a wrong bias. Dog, Head, Stallion, Hoof!!

After the head kick everything seemed to go along alright, with the Mad Dog having his chances and still in touch until the 16th end when, just as the Dog was about to drive, the Kid dropped his guts again. It was all too much for the Dog, he shat himself as well, dropped a six and having lost control of bowels consequently lost control of the match. The Saint was seen putting in an emergency call to his missus.

“Dutchy” was very good and played many great shots because he had to. After 16 ends only twenty one shots had been scored by both teams and the Mad Dog and the litter held shots on many occasions until the last bowl.

In a hard fought game you can’t be too generous but the Dog and his boys were. On the first end the Mad Dog managed to shoot him self in the paw and go from four up to one down, later the Stallion likewise managed to give away three shots with an errant hoof and even Nervous on one occasion managed to give a free kick to “Dutchy” and the Clogs.

Peter Gayson followed up his brilliant leading performance on Thursday with another good day in spite of the Kid. “Nervous” Normy, when not vomiting also played well. The front end for both teams in fact all played pretty well and covered each other. The difference came at the end and Dutchy did a job on the Mad Dog who had a very ordinary day.

After the match they put the Mad Dogs head in a vice and backed up the Stallion. When last seen the Dog was on the phone, enquiring through shattered teeth and splintered bone, as to when the Krackerjack would be home. There appeared to be a wag of the tail.

Normy Sutton, still recovering from the smell well after the game had finished

The Duke v Neville Mulchay 17/16
The Duke is still the Duke. After a few weeks as the Duck the Duke says he’s “seen the hell of losing” and does not want to go back. It was a near thing mind you but fear can be a great motivator.
This was a see sawing match much like the final 40 meter of a photo finish horse race where the bob of the head is the thing that determines the winner. As it was the finishing post was placed in exactly the right position for the Duke.
The Duke was brilliant again early and did some great work and Gordon “Snakehips” Wilson again played well at two. As always, the Meat Cleaver was always there when needed. The Duke was, just like last week, fantastic over the last four or five ends

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The Meat Cleaver       ------------------------          The Meat Cleaver in action


The Gypsy v Kevin “the Bear” Bairstow 20/16

The Gypsy had a pretty quiet lead week up for the Gypsy, pissed every day and bailed out by the Duke on the morning of the match. His preparation was reflected by the fact that “the Bear” had the Gypo down 0/6 and it could have been 0/12.
Throughout the course of the match the Gypsy seemed to have no idea where the jack was and so it was left to “Rowdy” Ross Donald to come to the rescue. Rowdy has played well all year without having the day out he, as Club singles champion, is capable of.

He quite rightly points out however that playing three to the Gypsy has been a little more difficult than he first imagined and involves a bit more than just focusing on bowling, other things such as wondering if the Gypsy will even turn up, is he even still alive, what condition will he be in if he does turn up, has he got his bowls, how many beers will he have and at what point will his brain explode. Heavy weighs the crown

Rowdy

But Rowdy was able to juggle all these responsibilities and concerns to play his best game for the year and it was a beauty.

The game was close throughout but was broken apart on the sixteenth end when the Gypsy and the family picked up a five
The Gypsy has been playing for twenty years and in that time has never, and I mean never, not for one second thought about things such as grip, line weight or technique. “I just bowl the xx@!XX# thing” he said. He also proudly announced that he has never read any book on bowling or bowls, but that comes as no surprise to anybody because the Gypsy can’t read.
It was a surprise to everyone therefore that the Gypsy had turned his hand to coaching when he spent an hour with the Beekeeper on Friday afternoon. This followed the Beekeepers performance the week prior which, it was agreed, would never be spoken about or written about again. No one knows exactly what was said or done but the Gypsy’s opening gambit was overheard and was straight from the book of Croatian encouragement “Beekeeper, you are @##!XX@ useless”. Dr Phil would have been impressed.

The Gypsy did not conduct the coaching session alone and utilized a technical assistant that the Gypsy said was invaluable through out the one hour coaching session

The Gypsy, in his new role as club coach, oversees the Beekeeper

Surprisingly the Beekeeper had a very good day, perhaps due to the one on one with the Gypsy, but it may have coincided with his return to his favored surface of grass. The Beekeeper played some really good bowls which prompted the Gypsy at one stage to say “Beekeeper I’d kiss you even if you had a mouthful of ##@$#* hornets”

Vaughan “the Shopping Trolley” was steady all day and has been very consistent over the last month. For all his failings with the draw shot the Gypsy was able to hit on a number of occasions to kill or reduce the damage and so was still instrumental to the final result.

This week the Silvertails meet the boys from Basso at Dalkieth. The Krackerjack is back so the teams change slightly.

Krackerjack Mad Dog Norm Sutton Peter Gayson
The Gypsy Rowdy Beekeeper Shopping Trolley
The Bomb The Saint The Stallion The Reverend
The Duke The Cleaver The Big Banana Snakehips

Although the Basso boys are not traveling as well as they should be they are still a pretty good combination and will still have a few surprises for teams that do not treat them with respect. Having said that the Krackerjack is back and warmed up at the Super Seven’s with an awesome display. If they play at their best, at home the Silvertails will be hard to beat


Late News
The Mad Dog went to the airport to welcome back the Krackerjack and we caught this photo of the two getting back together.