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November 15, 2008
Episode Two COCKBURN
Silvertails v Cockburn 80/74
In an amazing turnaround the Silvertails travelled to Cockburn to try to exorcise the demons of last week’s loss to Kalamunda. It was never going to be the ideal way to avenge a loss; surely there are easier games to be had, but the result surprised many but not those at the home of the Silvertails and certainly not Diamond Jim McKenzie who rang the Dog on Saturday morning to say he had tipped them to win. Bet he would not have said that ten years ago.
At one stage of the game Tommy William’s rink lead 19/1, the Krackerjack, back on familiar territory, lead 14/1/ over Garry Carberry.
The Gypsy lead the Slammer 8/1 and the Duke was just down against Daniel Brown.
As Mike Zusman later disclosed he was keeping a keen eye on the boards and at one stage after about forty ends there was thirty five shots between the two sides. But typical of the Club, the Roosters fought their way back into the game and the final margin of eight was even closer than that, and needed some Krackerjack magic and some Gypsy nerve to secure the points.
Tom the Bomb Williams v Gary “the Cataract” Catterick 27/15
The Bomb was the game breaker, jumping out to such a big lead that to all intents and purposes he single handedly set up the win.
With John McCormack being rewarded for a great off season, Ross “”the Major” Mitchell beginning to slip into top gear after requiring a few push starts in the practice matches and the Saint banging them on at will it was left to the Bomb to apply the finishing touches.
The only down side was the ten shots the boys gave up over the last three ends but they had done more than their fair share over the first three quarters of the match.
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--------------------------------------The Major Mitchill
As an aside the Saint was recently appointed the new Club captain. A certain laxity had found its way into the club but the Saint has introduced a calm assertiveness to the role which was highlighted during the Club fours on Sunday.
Firstly the Duke stuffed up his back and could not skip his fours team. The Kracker was an uncertain starter as well with his hip/back/spine ailment as well as his recently acquired drug addiction. The Mad Dog, who was to play three for the Krackerjack, approached the Stallion, who was to play three for the Duke (and they only had three players anyway) that they should merge teams. The Dog went to advise the saint.
“Pigs arse ya will – I did this draw a month ago and I’m f##&#!d if I’m changing it now ya clown”
Then in the first game the Saint was drawn to play Rowdy Ross Donald. Because the Saint was busy with the cards Rowdy, always the forward thinking gentlemen, got all of his team’s bowls with stickers, put them to one side of the mat, and arranged them neatly in the colours as they appear in the spectrum. He did the same for the opposition’s bowls on the opposite side of the mat so that when the Saint arrived everything was ready to go. When the Saint arrived he took one look and said “F#&# that Rowdy, we toss for stickers”.
Then two of the lads rolled up with Bowls Australia approved shirts on.
“Ya can piss them off boys cause there not club shirts. Change em or ya can’t play”.
Ross the major Mitchill turned up in mufti. Saint response = unprintable Then George Klug who had a first round bye turned up for a roll up on the green he was to play on. The Saint threw a spare jack at him to get his attention.
“Ya roll one of those green bastards Kluggy and I’ll disqualify ya”.
Now it turns out that the reason the Saint was feeling a bit niggly and impervious to the Dog’s approach to merge teams, was the lengths that he had gone to make himself available to play. You see one of the titanium knees, the right one to be specific, had been giving him some jip and the operation was pencilled in for the first day of the Club fours but the Saint, who is tougher than a two dollar steak, had worked out that he was going to have the knee done and play in the fours at the same time.
So on Sunday morning, armed with only an old spoon he went down to his shed, put the spoon between his teeth, got out the 15” Makita angle grinder, took the leg off 6-8 inches above the knee, took the leg to the hospital, checked it in for the op, then drove to the Club where he ran the tournament and played on one leg. He led the Gypsy down the last end before he and his team got the staggers
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---------------------------The Saint – still a bit tasty on one leg
The Krackerjack v Garry Carberry 19/12
In one of the hardest decisions of his life the Kracker had to drop his long time lead, Rulebook Ross McKenzie. The agony for the Kracker was that the Rulebook had stuck with him through thick and thin and had lead for him not only in every pennant match but all other competitions in and out of season.
In addition it was an even harder decision for the Kracker because the Rulebook was only one of three people in the entire Club that would play for the Kracker.
It chewed the Kracker up and he was sick at the prospect of breaking the news to the Rulebook and he cut a forlorn figure as he arrived at ther Club to break the news to his old friend.
In scenes more painful than when ‘Old Yella’ gets the hot lead treatment the Kracker turned to his mate and said
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“Ross ya f#&#@en no good any more so I’m pissing ya off”
And that was that.
So it was with a heavy heart the Krackerjack got away to a flyer against Garry Carberry who, according to Sherro, played one of the great games the week before in taking Rocket Rod Heaton’s team apart. Carb’s was not a shadow of his previous weeks self and the Kracker, back on familiar territory, in the early stages of the game, was quick to take advantage.
With his new lead The Trolley doing what he was told, at least for the first 10 ends, Rowdy Ross Donald getting better each week the game looked like it would be a blow out but to Carb’s credit he was able to arrest the haemorrhaging and over the last six or seven ends was able to recapture some of the form from last week and played some belters.
The Trolley
They even had a chance of stealing the match but the Kracker was able to hit on the second last end to go from two down to one up and did the “Hail Mary” on the last end to go from one down to one up, both vital shots in the context of the game.
The Kracker returning to familiar territory was devastating early and the jack seemed bigger than his ego as he knocked it around at will in the early stages. He was warm and loving to his team all day a legacy of the medication he is still on although there is some dispute as to whether Ecstasy tablets are technically a medication in the strict sense of the word.
The Duke v Daniel “the Cocker Spaniel” Brown 16/27
The Duke also played with a f#2##%d back and a couple of badly scrapped knees. He walked around like Quasimodo for most of the match dragging a dead leg behind him. He picked a bad match to play with a bad back – up against a team lead by Daniel “the Cocker Spaniel” Brown.
But just like always early, when the Duke is cold he can run hot and he got away to a good start leading the Spaniel before the Spaniel warmed up. The problem was, so did the Duke. The Spaniel played three beauties to swing the match around, the highlight being the forehand controlled running shot when six down to put the kitty in the well for three.
Again the Meat Cleaver was very good early and the Stallion has surprised the owners having moved up in class and continues to perform like a very capable racehorse.
He skipped the club fours with a cobbled together team and fixed up the Bomb in the first game, the Gypsy in the second game and went down to Luke the Liver fluke Richardson on the last bowl of the semi final.
The Stallion
Not short of confidence at the moment, the Stallion was 1/12 down to the Gypsy before the Gypsy remembered that they had not got there usual $50 on the game. “You can still get on”, said the Stallion not even bothering to get odds, which the Gypsy later said was lucky cause he would have given Vinny better than the scoreboard.
The Gypsy v the Slammer 18/20
The Gypsy has been finding out that narrow bias bowls go through holes that his old bowls did not. He reckons he’s been through more tight holes than Roman Polanski. “Can you f#%&#en believe that shit” is his exact expression each time it happens which is currently about every two ends or after every running shot.
It was not heard until the seventh end for obvious reasons. Up 9/1 against the Steve “the Slammer” Srhoy his front end was doing a great job, particularly the Beekeeper who is currently playing out of his tree. When you don’t have to lug 20 tons of concrete and steel on a Saturday morning it’s amazing how much more touch you have on a Saturday afternoon.
Willy Tan was also having a good game after what was a tough week for him. Descended from a long line of proud Samurai warriors Willy was devastated when he single handedly completely f%33%&ed up the 2007/8 team photo, so much so that the Duke had to put Rowdy and the Pope on suicide watch,
“If he gets hold of anything metal he’ll skewer himself”, warned the Duke. “The hardest and sharpest thing he gets hold of this week is a tissue – understand?”
Even though Willy was pretty much out of danger by Friday the Duke was still taking no chances and made Willy hand over his shoe laces before the start of the game.
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Willy Tan, left unattended for just a few seconds, attempts to drive his finger through his eye and into his brain. Luckily Willy, like most Asians, is a bad driver and completely missed but the Saint, who was walking past at the time with a couple of empties, sported a sore nut for a couple of days
The Liver fluke in his second game for the club, and his first against his old team was not his destructive best but his two touches over the last two ends would have given him some enjoyment.
The Liverfluke
But the Cockburn boys got the point due in no small part to the old drive/draw routine from the Slammer. They even had a chance to steal the aggregate but the Gypsy trail on the second last end the last end confirmed the majority of the points
The reason the Gypsy is using new bowls is that someone broke into his locker and took one of his bowls and his nice bowls hat that was in all likelihood the one the Dog had lost the year before.
The Gypsy approached the Dog on Saturday after the game.
“Come into the shade here I need to talk to you – and take off that f%^&*en silly hat.
Are you still riting that shit for Sherro coz if you are you tell the low down thieving f&^%$#er who stole my bowl and hat that if ever I find out who it was by the time I’ve finished with him down at my brothers butchers shop he’s gunna be begging to be thrown into the mincer. Ya got that”
The dog assured the Gypsy he would convey his position. The Gypsy left. The Dog turned around to get his hat but it was gone.
The next day, at the Club fours championship, the Gypsy turned up in a hat that looked very similar indeed to the one the Dog had lost the previous day.
“Gypo” began the Dog, “yesterday my hat …”
The Gypsy interrupted.
“Did you rite what I told you to yesterday. Yeah, you did. Good, and you know the mincer I was talking about is not a bloke with a limp wrist but a big cold steel machine that turns meat and flesh into pulp. Yeah ya do, good. Now carefully describe the white bowls hat you lost yesterday.
The Dog looked at the Gypsy for a long time before he slowly said with resignation
“I think it was black”
And so that is how the Gypsy came to reclaim one of his stolen items, a magnificent new $30 white bowls hat, the same type of hat used by Alim Dar when he umpires in test matches, purchased from Rocket Rod Heaton’s shop on the 15th October 2008 at 2.28pm on visa card - and the Dog has the receipt to prove it!!
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The Gypsy on Saturday --------The Gypsy on Sunday
with another fantastic new hat.
This week Yokine at Yokine at Yokine. This is an important game for both teams. Yokine need a win to get on the board for the season and the Silvertails need to consolidate their win last week.
It will also give the Dog the chance to catch up with Rocket Rod Heaton (who incidentally was the person responsiblefor giving the Silvertails their name) to see if he can get the Rocket to sharpen the pencil on the price of a new hat.